Care Leavers and Survival Mentality: The Invisible Armour We Carry

For many care leavers, life has been less about thriving and more about surviving. From an early age, we’ve learned to navigate instability, rejection, and hardship. This "survival mentality" isn’t just a mindset, it’s a way of being, shaped by experiences of trauma and adversity. While it can be a testament to our resilience, it often comes at a cost, impacting our relationships, self-worth, and ability to fully embrace life’s opportunities.

What Is Survival Mentality?

Survival mentality is a state of constant vigilance and self-protection. It’s the belief that you must always be prepared for the worst, and it often manifests as:

• Hyper-independence: The need to rely solely on yourself because trusting others feels risky.

• Emotional detachment: Suppressing feelings to avoid vulnerability.

• Overthinking and over-preparing: Trying to anticipate and control every outcome.

• Fear of failure or rejection: A deep-seated anxiety that any misstep could lead to disaster.

For care leavers, survival mentality isn’t a choice; it’s a learned response to an environment that demands it.

Why Are Care Leavers This Way?

The survival mentality of care leavers is rooted in their experiences within the care system and the circumstances that led them there:

1. Early Trauma

Most care leavers enter the system due to neglect, abuse, or other forms of harm. These early experiences teach the brain that the world is unsafe, people are unreliable, and self-reliance is the only way to stay protected.

2. Instability in Care

Frequent moves between foster homes, group homes, or schools create a sense of impermanence. Care leavers learn not to get too attached, knowing that relationships and environments can change at any moment.

3. Lack of Secure Attachments

Without consistent, loving caregivers, care leavers miss out on the foundational sense of safety that secure attachments provide. This absence makes it difficult to trust others or feel emotionally safe.

4. Judgment and Stigma

Society often views care leavers through a lens of pity or judgment. Facing these perceptions can reinforce the belief that we must always prove ourselves, hide our vulnerabilities, and fight harder than others just to be seen as equal.

The Impact of Survival Mentality

On Relationships

• Difficulty Trusting Others: Survival mentality makes it hard to let people in. Care leavers may struggle to believe that others have good intentions, leading to guarded or distant relationships.

• Fear of Vulnerability: Opening up can feel like a risk, so care leavers might avoid sharing emotions or relying on others, even with close friends or partners.

• Conflict and Miscommunication: Hyper-vigilance and sensitivity to perceived threats can lead to overreactions or misinterpretations in relationships.

On Personal Growth

• Avoiding Risks: The fear of failure or rejection can prevent care leavers from pursuing new opportunities or stepping out of their comfort zones.

• Overworking: The pressure to prove oneself can lead to burnout, as care leavers feel they must work harder than others to succeed.

• Self-Sabotage: Believing that good things don’t last or feeling undeserving of success can lead to behaviours that undermine progress.

On Mental Health

• Anxiety and Depression: Constantly being in "survival mode" takes a toll on mental health, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness.

• Low Self-Worth: Internalising societal stigma and early rejection can make care leavers feel inherently unworthy of love, success, or stability.

Breaking Free from Survival Mentality

While survival mentality is a natural response to past experiences, it doesn’t have to define a care leaver’s future. Healing and growth are possible, though they require time, effort, and support:

1. Therapy and Counselling: Trauma-focused therapy can help care leavers process their experiences, challenge negative thought patterns, and build healthier coping mechanisms.

2. Building Safe Relationships: Forming connections with people who are trustworthy, consistent, and empathetic can slowly rebuild the ability to trust and feel secure.

3. Reframing Strength: Recognise that survival mentality is a strength, it kept you safe when you needed it. But also acknowledge when it’s no longer serving you and work to let go of unnecessary defenses.

4. Practicing Vulnerability: Start small by sharing feelings or asking for help. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a pathway to deeper connections.

5. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Your survival mentality is a response to your environment, not a personal failing. Celebrate your resilience while giving yourself permission to relax and enjoy life.

   
   

A Life Beyond Survival

For care leavers, shifting from survival to thriving is a profound journey. It means learning to trust, to take risks, and to believe in your worth beyond what you’ve endured.

Yes, the world may have taught us to survive, but it’s also possible to reclaim joy, connection, and purpose. It’s not an easy path, but every step forward is a victory, a testament to the strength that has carried us this far.

To fellow care leavers: 

You are not alone, and you are more than your survival story. The armour you’ve built protects you, but you deserve a life where you can put it down and feel safe, loved, and whole.